when you're a thousand miles away
by finnickcanyouknot
Summary: He used to think she held onto his hand like an anchor, but an anchor was something a boat needed. -—Sid-centric, following when Cassie leaves for New York. For Alice.


**a/n:** so, for some reason i chose to watch the s2 finale after writing this, and upon watching it, i've came to the conclusion that this isn't exactly canon-compliant. but it's not _not_ canon-compliant, so. also, it's half eleven so this story may not be grammar nazi-friendly.

**disclaimer:** i don't own skins. . .

**for:** underthelane/alice

* * *

"because nothing feel like home  
when you're a thousand miles away"  
— Mayday Parade's "Miserable At Best"

There are things Sid Jenkins knows about Cassandra Ainsworth, like she prefers to be called Cassie, and she has a middle name but she hates that even more than she does the name Cassandra. She doesn't like tomatoes, but then, she doesn't like anything food-related. Most of all, though, she loves him. It's hard for him to believe, and whenever she tells him this he has to stare at her for a moment to make sure she's not lying because Sid likes girls, girls don't like Sid, and Tony says even mad, Cassie is way out of his league, although Sid thinks if Cassie were really half as mad as everyone made out it would be easier to believe she loved him, and —

Sid's smoked a lot of weed in his time, but there is nothing that compares to the high he receives when his doubts are answered with her lips meeting his, with her breathing, "Oh, wow," onto his lips and giving him a smile that no girl before her has ever gave him. Cassie is not mad, far from it, but it's that smile, not the food or the scars, that makes him truly doubt her sanity.

When Cassie leaves, she leaves a post-it note in her wake: "I love you," it says. This time she isn't here to reassure him it's true.

.

During Chris' funeral, he keeps waiting for Cassie to slide her hand into his, because she wouldn't _not_ be here, this was their friend, their friend that they loved, and _people don't leave if they love someone _—

He watches them shovel the dirt onto his friend's coffin and nothing else because if he doesn't look back he can almost convince himself Cassie is walking up behind him _right now_, she really is, and all he has to do is wait a little bit more because she will come back, she will.

.

She doesn't.

.

(He used to think she held onto his hand like an anchor, but an anchor was something a boat needed, a boat wouldn't leave the dock without it's anchor, but she did and now it has been so long since she's held his hand at all he's beginning to doubt he's even remembering it right to begin with.)

.

They hold an unofficial wake in Chris' honour afterwards, and Sid spends the night staring at the space beside him, downing shot after shot, willing her to appear and tell him she loves him, because everything feels better when Cassie Ainsworth tells him she loves him and right now he could really use that; he's just watched one of his best friends reduced to nothing but worm food and he's never coming back, _never coming back_, and right now Sid kind of really feels like shit and —

(It turns out even alcohol-induced hallucinations can't bring Cassie Ainsworth back, not even for a moment.)

.

(He needed her. Fuck, he still needs her.)

.

He sticks the post-it note to his ceiling to remind him that she did love him, _she did_, but he puts his glasses on his bedside table at night and without them he can't make out anything but the vague outline of the paper with a black smudge where the words should be and night is when he needs to see those words the most, when the empty space beside him only serves to remind him of the empty space between his lungs, and —

There's a message in there somewhere, he thinks.

.

There are things Sid Jenkins knows about Cassie Ainsworth, no — there are things Sid Jenkins _thought_ he knew about Cassie Ainsworth, things that he isn't quite so sure of anymore. He used to think Cassie Ainsworth loved him. He isn't so sure anymore.

This is the first thought to come to mind when Tony hands him the plane ticket for New York. He thinks about whether Cassie would travel thousands of miles to find him, and he finds himself doubting it because it would seem Cassie couldn't even love him enough to stay to begin with, never mind travelling across the globe to find him again. He feels a strike of unfairness because Goddammitt _he_ would, he'd travel around space if it meant he could see hear her tell him she loved him once more, because he loves her, he knows that for definite, and —

He finds his answer. Sid Jenkins might not know if Cassie Ainsworth loves him, but he knows for certain that he loves her, that he loves her enough to travel thousands of miles even if she doesn't. Sid Jenkins might not be sure whether Cassie Ainsworth loves him, but he's not sure she doesn't, either, and he loves far too much to let her go without knowing for certain that she wants to be let go, to allow her to fade from his life without at least fighting to make her stay. He has to try.

He takes the ticket**.**


End file.
